Nikhil Autar

My Story.

Written by

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If you’d like the full version, check out my book (it’s here for free!).

“The good news is you’re 17 and you have leukemia, but the bad news is… you’re 17. And you have leukemia.”

 

I’d sorta known it was coming. It had been months since I’d felt right. I’d come home from school and sleep until eight. I was off my food. I’d been getting weaker and weaker, losing my strength and speed week by week despite training almost 2 hours a day. I’d put it down to exams and stress. But damn… it was far from that.

 

Now what? All my – and my parents’ – last hopes had extinguished with  the final test; a bone marrow biopsy. It hurts just as bad as it sounds… they stick a needle through your hip and suck out what’s inside. In my case, as a healthy, strong, near-adult, it took 3 doctors and lots of sweat just to pierce the bone.

 

We hoped it was anything else but that until that. 
My critically low blood counts? Maybe I had some vitamin deficiencies? My hour long nosebleeds? It must’ve been the dry air being expelled from the heaters. Sleeping 16 hours a day? Maybe I was just a slob, or tired from all that studying.

In the end though… that was all denial.

Questions racedthrough my  mind…

 

What had I done to deserve this?
What had caused it?

WHY ME?? 



I hadn’t done anything bad to anyone as far as I’d known… I was fit, hard working and I ate healthy. 

FOR GOD’S SAKE… I WAS ONLY SEVENTEEN! 

 Wasn’t cancer for old people? Or those
who smoked of something??

 

Then I asked that final, scary question… 

 

“What are my chances…”

 

This man I’d met just yesterday glanced at his peers and looked me dead in  the eyes.

About 10-20% that you’ll survive the next 5 years. 

 

I cried. For ages. No matter how much my parents, nurses and close  friends would try and console me – I wouldn’t listen. How could I? I  was 17 and told I probably wouldn’t live to see 21.

 

What would you do?

 

I did those things that people don’t  know you’d have to do before chemotherapy. A heart scan. Lung function test. And lots of blood tests, to get a baseline. Chemotherapy apparently affects all those things. A sperm donation. Apparently it can affect that too. 

 

Amidst all this was the constant messages from everyone – from my  parents, relatives and close friends, to nurses – people who’d only known me for an eight hour shift, max. All told me that it’d all be fine. That I’d be strong and I’d get through it. One nurse even had the nerve to say that the next few weeks for me would be filled with pain, vomiting, diarrhea and all kinds of awfulness. How dare she, when I was at my lowest?? How could she be so cruel?! 
I kept questioning their words.

How could they know what I was going through? How could they take away the fact that I only had a tiny chance of surviving?

But in the end, I had a choice. Even if I didn’t know it at the time. And I realised that choice, when I decided to do one simple, yet extraordinarily thing. 
I took a step back, and looked at what had happened to me, as if it had happened to someone else. 
When I did that, those negative emotions dropped away. From that objective perspective, I was finally able to question  what I was doing, and ask myself, what should I be doing instead. 
When I asked WHY I was feeling this way… I realised that I had the cancer now. No matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t go back in time, and change that. So what was all that misery I was going through doing for me? What was it accomplishing?
Nothing. Other than making me feel WORSE about everything.
Why was I doing that to myself?
Because in the end, I realised that all those emotions – they were coming from me. MY brain, MY mind. And because it was… that meant that I could control how I responded.

 

It’s by questioning all my doubts and fears, it’s through this attitude that I learned – there’s always a second way to look at things. 

When you take a step back, and question what you’re doing, you’ll be able to see the path that leads to you being happiest and healthiest, in life.

And from there… taking that path isn’t the brave, strong or courageous thing to do going forwards…

It becomes the only logical thing to do.

This mindset is what helped me find a way to deal with the cancer.

And if it could help me see something to smile about, days after being told I’d probably be dead in the next few years… It can help you accomplish whatever you want in life too.

 
I was afraid of the chemo, and treatment to come. But why just look it that way?
When wasn’t it also a medicine? The very thing that could get me out of this? 
I was feeling cursed for getting cancer young.
But wasn’t it also a blessing?
Instead of having to worry about a family, a mortgage, a job… I had my entire WORLD behind me! Amazing parents… loyal friends. 
I was fit, I ate healthy, and I could eat a LOT – so I  could take the hardest treatments, and wouldn’t waste away as some do, during chemo.
So maybe the bad news was that I was seventeen and had leukemia. 
But… the good news was, I was SEVENTEEN and had leukemi
And why was I feeling doomed about my chances? 
When it was just that? A chance.
My doctors, they wouldn’t be doing any of this to me, if they didn’t think it could work, right? 

That 10 – 20% was beginning
to look much bigger in my eyes.

I started reading a book given to me by my mother. It was about a doctor who’d happened to develop bowel cancer. He witnessed the grief the other patients endured during their treatment, but in particular, he was struck by how they acted like it was a death sentence. He asked himself one simple question… 

WHY?

Why did they feel down about something they couldn’t control? Why were they acting as if they  were definitely going to die? Why did they see the treatment as  only something that brings misery when wasn’t it also a medicine? The very thing that could get him through this? 

Why was he thinking like them?
By asking why, over and over again, he saw another way of looking at things…. And that made all his doubts, all the obstacles in his path seem like nothing.
And that cemented it. NowI could see that I was young, fit and hence more likely to survive. I was beginning to view the upcoming chemotherapies and bone marrow transplants as what it really was – A CHANCE OF A CURE, rather than just something that brought me pain and suffering. And from that nurse who’d told me of the horrible things I would encounter, I knew it would be hard. But not kidding myself, gave me a choice on how I viewed things. Yes, it was scary, knowing what would come. But acknowledging the pain and misery I’d feel, allowed me to prepare. I reminded myself what this was for, I’d have something to hold onto, when things got tough.
And I wouldn’t have to force myself to be Strong, or Brave when I was at my lowest. Through this, I knew I’d have the greatest chance of not falling in a heap, and giving up, when things got tough…
With that attitude, I KNEW I was going to get better.
And I’m still here. Twelve years, 22 rounds of chemotherapies, a near fatal dose of radiation, two bone marrow transplants, going blind in my left eye, almost going blind in my right 6x after, getting open heart surgery, 2nd and 3rd cancers, multiple trips to the ICU, a life threatening chronic illness, a condition that shuts my muscles down randomly, depression, anxiety, and so much more, later.
This mindset, like any mindset, solidifies itself, it becomes easier to do – it’s become my automatic way of dealing with things. It’s a process – that’s helped me not only deal with these tragedies (and more), but also face any problem. It’s the reason why I’m still here. 

You may be thinking, that’s awesome man. Good on you.

But I could never do that. 

You may be thinking… that’s pretty cool… but how does that affect me? 

I want you to ask yourself 1 question.


WHY?


Why wait for cancer, like I did, to live a happier, healthier life?
Those little steps I did, I still apply, to every challenge I face in life.
And not just health challenges. It’s helped me motivate myself – get into medical school, and become a doctor, despite numerous health and other challenges. It’s helped me find cures and fixes for my own conditions (I’m publishing one in particular, in a medical journal). It’s helped me create, patent, and raise money for social enterprises. The first, Knia Maps, which is the Google Maps for Accessibility; crowdsourcing in depth information to make the world a more accessible place. The second, Bheem Health. We’re creating a world first sensor mat which tracks movement over an entire bed affordably – bringing pressure sore, fall, vitals and emergency monitoring to not just critical care, ICU or high care scenarios, but to the home as well. I’ve helped develop and expand the world’s largest coalition of doctors dedicated to combating domestic violence. And so much more, too.
This mindset is I’m happy and always looking at the better, more constructive way of looking at things, whenever I can.

So, what had cancer taught me?

And how could this help you?

Obviously, my whole battle has changed my view of the world and how to handle adversity. And you may be thinking that you simply couldn’t do those things if you were in my situation, or that you’re not “strong enough,” to apply it into your life.
But the major ideas, the things I did to get over cancer are simple ones – THINGS YOU ALREADY DO – which can help you almost accomplish anything you want in life. 
You can’t get everything you want, you can’t cheat death. But they will help your chances along a damn sight. And remember – you will ALWAYS have a choice on how you view your life. 
Sometimes it’s just hard to see that. Sometimes it’s hard to walk that path.
But it probably can.
And there’s no reason you should wait to make a change that could change your life for the better.
A talk I did about my story… that outlines how this can help you guys too! 

So Remember:

  • There is ALWAYS a second way to look at things.
  • If you take a step back, and keep asking “Why?” of all your doubts and fears, you won’t need to be brave, or strong… It won’t take willpower or creativity to see a better way of looking at things… And alternate path you can take, that leaves you happiest and healthiest.
  • Acknowledge that the journey to anything will be hard. But let yourself be human, and PLAN ahead to overcome these hurdles. It’ll give you the best chance of getting through them. Instead of being scared, you’ll try to forsee and overcome the challenges you’ll face. If there’s nothing you can do… it won’t make sense to make your suffering worse. Let future you deal with that! And when they do emerge, because you’ll have given thought to how you’ll overcome them, because you have a way of finding a second way of looking at them… You’ll be MORE LIKELY TO GET PAST THEM.

It wasn’t just the chemo, my age, and my odds that got me scared. I had SO many other qualms, worries, and challenges too.

But the beauty of this ‘mindset,’ is that it’s a Process.

Instead of needing to tell myself what to do, or to tell myself (or have someone tell me) to be STRONG or BRAVE – this process allowed me to FIND a better way of looking at things MYSELF! By taking a step back, and breaking my doubts and fears down into bite sized, accomplishable pieces – I could do it Anytime, for Any challenge I faced.

I was afraid. The studies, the treatments I’d have to go through did ultimately have low odds. But in the end, I also had the best of modern medicine – doctors at the forefront of their fields, who worked together – as all doctors do! A world class medical system, that wouldn’t bankrupt me, as an Australian! I was in the best place I could be. Why stress more, why give myself more stress, and fixate on things I couldn’t control (which would release stress hormones that would affect my physical health), when the best thing I could do, was the job of any patient lucky enough to not have other responsibilities. Take it easy, and get better!

I knew I’d have to limit visitors when my immunity was low. I knew it was gonna be boring, and lonely as I went through chemo. But I had facebook, phones and technology to still be able to connect to people. I knew I’d need help – so I built an army of school mates, family, and strangers who could keep me busy. I got into reading, and started re-reading books that’d take ages to read. Harry Potter. The Magician Series by Raymond E. Feist. I started playing Runescape – an online MMORPG Game with NO END, again. And games like Age of Empires, and Pokemon, that could take DAYS to complete. Technology wasn’t perfect. But it would help me out! 

If you ever need help getting there, post a comment down below or message me on my Facebook Page (I get messages from patients and regular people all the time asking for help or advice – and I’m glad to help.

 

So you’re full of energy, you’re pumped up, you know you can do it. But don’t make that mistake of getting overconfident and wasting your opportunities because of that, and don’t allow your resolve to waver when you find
yourself facing an obstacle. 
Life will be hard at times. But only if you make it so. 
I knew that the treatment was going to be tough. Excruciating. Exhausting.
For others peoples’ goals, challenges may present themselves
as distractions – things like too much gaming or social media or even partying too much. I should know, I spent almost a month wasting time before beginning to write this. But after a while of wasting time, ask yourself why? Why am I
having fun scrolling down facebook aimlessly when my real interest is the beauty I can make from taking and editing photos of nature? Why shouldn’t I enjoy studying maths when I can feel that satisfaction from finding out why I
was going wrong and next time getting those questions right? 
If you’re trying to lose weight or be healthier, you can
look at it from another perspective. Instead of enjoying downing a box of Krispy Kremes, think instead about the pain you’d get the next day from the stomach ache. If you don’t like running aimlessly, why do it? Try playing a sport you like, like basketball for me, or do other things – like playing laser tag or paintball or even just walking with a friend or a pet for a half hour per day.
The biggest challenge you’ll have to acknowlege is your own
laziness, or lack of motivation. You know that on some days you may be lazy, but remember your goal and all those things you have on your side to help you achieve it. When you don’t feel like doing anything, ask yourself why? Soon enough you’ll be back on target.
Step 3 – Research and Plan
Before you even begin to lift a weight or do a question or
write a word in a book, you should have an idea of what your actions will do for your goal and why. Going in blindly or overconfidently into anything will reduce your chances of success. But if you do your reading, and know where you’re going, you’ll get there a lot quicker. 
For me, in my battle against cancer, it was easy. I had
doctors who were doing that for me, and they could answer any other questions I had on my treatment and things like hygiene and what to eat. 
But in truth, it’s just as easy for anyone.
Don’t be afraid to ask someone about something. If you don’t
understand how a teacher did a problem, why should you feel stupid for asking her to explain it to you again? The second, and better way to look at it, is to ask yourself how much more stupid you would feel when you got the test back and failed because you couldn’t solve a similar problem? If you don’t know the best exercise regime for you, ask a personal trainer. They’re big, but they don’t bite.
And if they don’t know the answer, you’re blessed to live in
today’s society – where information or advice can be harnessed from the tap of a few keys and the clicks of you mouse. 
Step 4 –> Do
For me, I just had to sit back, eat as much as possible and maintain slightly higher levels of hygiene. I already knew I was going to make it – as will you – and I got to relax all day most of the time. 
For your goals, it may be a bit harder, but at the same
time, just as simple. 
When you’re preparing for that final game of basketball, and
all your research on the other team’s players and strategies are done, all you’ve got to do is get your body and your team ready to execute moves, shots and plays. So you shoot your shots. You lift those weights. You run those sprints. You dribble through cones and cones. If you’re in the gym, worried about looking weak compared to the older kids or bodybuilders, or slow against the sprinters on the track, don’t change your technique to lift more, or worse yet, give up altogether. Why feel that everyone thinks you’re weak, or horrible at what you’re doing when, if you look at it another way, you’ll end up in front of them in time by doing it the right way, consistently? You’d only look stupid if you hurt yourself by doing it unsafely. Why harm yourself to look
good for others?Read about how Nikhil overcame his fear of judgement and became the most confident version of himself here!
 
And when it finally comes time to that last game, you’ll
know that you’ve done your practice, you’ve got your teammates, your skills.
You’ll acknowledge it won’t be easy and that the other team may be good. But you’ll remember you’ve got everything on your side. And that you won’t doubt yourself on the court because of that. And that you’ve given yourself the best
chance of winning.
 
Life is all about giving yourself the best chance to be
happy. And I hope what I’ve written will help you do that. 

A talk I gave on this topic…

I really encourage you guys to share this one amongst your friends/family in particular –> especially with those who are in really tough circumstances. Hopefully it’ll help them find a way past their sadness and get back to being their best.


https://www.facebook.com/musingsofamedstudentpatient <– If you or a loved one needs help, message me here. Same deal if you enjoy my blogs, or if you’re interested in medicinish related stuff (don’t worry, I don’t get too technical and I always keep my blogs user friendly).

 

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